He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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