The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
