I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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