No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
