He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
