FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
