guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
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i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
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Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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