I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
