can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?