He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back