Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I FOUND THE LEGS
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.