im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?