life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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