she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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