Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Mom said you looked used
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
