PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
