Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
the condom got lost in my hair
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
