the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
