I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
