I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
