I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
