I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
