Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
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Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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