Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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