One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
