I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
