I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize