3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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