I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
