You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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