I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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