seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
