my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
