Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
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Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
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I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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