is your mom at the bar?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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