I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it's great music for shaving your balls
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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