I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
