I just threw up on my dentist
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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