Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
