I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
