The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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