I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
