I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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