just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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