His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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