I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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