i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
