the condom got lost in my hair
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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