I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
