evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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