I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
