Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
