The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
