i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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