Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
