So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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