Don't you send me to vm
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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